Somatic Intelligence: An Interview with Christian Janee.

In this episode of the Gifted Neurodivergent podcast, host Lillian Skinner welcomes Christian Janee, a nurse practitioner and polymath with exceptional somatic intelligence. They discuss Christian's calming presence and the undervalued profound somatic intelligence. Christian shares her journey, her holistic approach to care, her book 'Almost a Wife,' and her coaching program 'Learning to Love Again.' The conversation touches on the importance of relational thinking, pattern recognition, and the future of holistic healing in medicine. Together, they explore how somatic intelligence can help navigate life's challenges and heal from within.

Transcript

 Understanding Somatic Intelligence with Christian Janee: Author, Nurse Practitioner, and Entrepreneur. 

[00:00:00] 

Lillian: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the gifted neurodivergent podcast. I'm Lillian Skinner. Today, with me, I have Christian Janee. Christian is an amazing woman. I met while taking an on-camera class. We sat next to each other and I don't know that I've ever met anyone in my life was quite the somatic presence that she has. 

It is amazing. 

It is the most beautiful calming sense you get just being in her presence. Our society has chosen not to value somatic intelligence, but it is a profound intelligence. When I meet someone with it. I feel in awe of them because they have such an amazing presence. We call it. stage presence or the It factor, but it is, more than just ability to be onstage. It's this profound intelligence of the body, and the patterns that the body takes in and a deep knowing of the self. it's, the ability we see in others, but it's not something that is [00:01:00] cultivated in our system. 

So the vast majority of us never learn about it. And we're actually stripped of it as part of our education. as part of the somatic oppression. So we never really learn about it or how to cultivate it. Because they don't really want us to know our full, incredible intelligence of self, and we're going to need this to navigate the change coming. 

So when I see it. I feel this need to share how amazing it is with others and how beautiful it is and how these people go unrecognized and unvalued in our world today when they have so much value. And Christian is one of those. . 

So I wanted to bring her onto the podcast because not only is she able to give this, but she's also a polymath, an intelligent, person with just this beautiful way of being possibly some of the highest somatic intelligence I've ever encountered. 

And I'm always looking for these unique, beautiful people who represent what our society hasn't cultivated, what hasn't understood so that we can find that again, because it's going to be really important in the future we're facing. So [00:02:00] welcome, Christian. Thank you so much for joining me. It's a pleasure to see you again. 

Christian: Thank you so much, Lillian. And that introduction, let me say, wow. So I have to see if I can live up to all of your beautiful words, but thank you. 

Lillian: You're welcome. And I do mean it. Christian also has written a book. She's a nurse practitioner and she does even more, than that, but I'm going to let her talk about that . 

Christian: Oh, yeah. I, also do Women's ministry, I kind of, I jump around. 

 I think we have that in common. My brain is, the type, I had to learn how to not overcommit because I seriously will learn about a program and I'm automatically like, okay, let me jump into this organization and submit my information and I get stuff from doula Institute now and I get stuff from natural dietetics now. 

I'm like, man, I got to learn how to not commit that much like research it. But not sign up for [00:03:00] all these things. So I'm not getting a million phone calls from all these different areas, but, my overall desire, my heart just wants to help people heal and feel better and heal from the core. Like no quick fix. It just doesn't exist. We have to just sit in our mess and learn how to grow from it. 

Lillian: That is very true. We have to sit in our mess and learn how to grow. But what does that mean exactly. When you say heal do you mean find peace? Do you mean get out of bad situations? All of the above. 

Christian: All the above. I think the biggest picture though is that peace. That's the ultimate goal. 

So, getting out of the situation, that would be the 1st step, but so many people and so many journeys that involve getting out of a situation or cyclic. just because you get out of that situation, doesn't mean you won't a return back to it. Because that's just part of the cycle relapses part of the cycle and or find that same particular trait and somebody else and end up in the same situation, or not even someone [00:04:00] else, the same. 

It could be the same job place, it's just patterns. , we're creatures of pattern. So until we heal and we find that peace, we're going to continue to attract that same pattern. 

Lillian: Where do you do that? , do you do that at your job, or do you do that at all of the thingS? 

Christian: Yeah. Yeah. I don't get to do it as in depth as a nurse practitioner because of the time constraints with insurance. 

 but I do always try to help someone find that particular pattern with whatever it is. I'm talking to them about for the day. 

Lillian: 

Patterns are very real. As sensitive people we see and feel patterns. I know for me, my somatic is the feeler. My cognitive is the sear, and then I put them together and know the whole picture. And I definitely know you do that too. 

I think that my sensitivity drives this because I can't choose to not be aware. I am aware of everything to the degree that most things are like in affront. The sun's too bright people talk too loud. Everything's a little too much. [00:05:00] But that is showing me patterns. It's showing me that this is out of the norm of my patterns and what I'm comfortable in. 

 When I first met, you, you said to me, I hang out with all redheads. I love residents. And I was like, well, perfect. But I also thought that was funny because is that your pattern? 

Christian: I'm just joking, you guys. I'm like, I love it. 

I know, I thought it was funny. It was still laughing over it, but seriously, you must be super sensitive if you like red heads, because we are the most sensitive. the fact that you have this tendency to be drawn to them must mean that you are really sensitive as well. And. I can totally see that. 

, you have this amazing calming, sensitive way, so red heads and you would obviously connect over that.. 

but Most redheads. I know. are Wired really wound. So , what do you think is attracting you? Is it, is it the calming sense that you have or what makes you see yourself in them? . 

Christian: That is a [00:06:00] good question. because I'm like, I just, I just love it. This is something about, I think it's just a natural attraction from the first time. My first best friend, I think in first or second grade. , she had the brightest red hair and I just was like, Oh, I have to be her friend. And next thing I know, it was like, , 

but it's just like magnets. I'm like, okay, good. I'm glad I didn't have to work too hard. Now we're friends. 

Lillian: I love that . you already saw this as a little kid. You already knew, I like people with red hair and it's just played out, but that's, that is pattern recognition. So how did you know that? How, how does that integrate into your practice, this sensitivity and knowing. And your outreach and your plans and then what is the goal for all of these things? 

Christian: Yeah, so I'll start with, , the way I became a nurse practitioner. Um, I was pre med and I know we were chatting earlier about the challenges with college. So, once I got that big old biology book after breezing through high school, middle school, all of those things and not having to study. And then they're like, all right, [00:07:00] essentially go teach yourself, come back and see me in a week. And we'll take this big old test. And you're in the room with 300 other people and, , yeah, you'll do fine. And then from there, you'll go to med school. 

 in that I had my physician and I also had a nurse practitioner. And although I love my physician, he was very much matter of fact, this is what we need to do. He was very by the book and the nurse practitioner was like, okay, I see you as an entire person. What are your goals as an entire person? And how can we get you to that? And I was like, Ooh, wow. I want to do what she does. So I went to school. I changed my major, talked to my mom about it later. And then, from there, I ended up going to a few different schools, but finally landed at a good nursing school for me. That was a more intimate setting. 

I was able to learn more relationally, which is really important to me versus just. Yeah, pencil and paper and all of that. , and, , learning a lot that with nursing and the holistic [00:08:00] approach, it allows me to be able to connect with people on a different level and still have that, that intimate connection at the core of as a nurse practitioner, even though I have to diagnose and I do have to go through these evidence based measures or these recommendations and, um, I look up to make sure, of course, there's no, medication interactions, things like that, that are very scientific and pinpointing. 

It's still like, okay, how does this fit into this whole puzzle for this person? I see each person as this beautiful masterpiece and so in the amount of time that I have with each patient, whether it's 10 minutes or I've always been the type of provider where I look at my schedule. I'm like, okay, if I don't have another patient, even if your complaint is simple, if I feel that you are lonely and you just want to talk, I'm not going to cut your appointment short because I have the time. 

So I'm going to give you my time. So that spills over into my coaching [00:09:00] program, , which is called learning to love again. And there are four different components and I love how it's just blossomed with this number four. It started out with it's four steps because the way our society is right now and the way our brains are, we are just inundated with stuff. 

So if I came up with something that was 12 steps, that sounds intimidating right now because. We're all busy. 

Lillian: It's one per month. Yeah. 

Christian: And then it becomes pressure because it's like, Oh my gosh, I didn't do my task for this month. So what's going to happen? So, I'm like, four steps. They are self paced. Um, for each lovely person that comes into my life that I'm able to work with, and it'll be kind of on a semester basis, but 4 steps, , there are 4 different categories of heartbreak that I personally am sticking to addressing right now. , and the 4 chambers of the heart. So, since we are working to navigate your heartbreak, and the big [00:10:00] picture, I think you asked for. Almost a wife, which that's also the title of my book, almost a wife, a journey from heartbreak to wholeness. And I had to pause there because initially it was heartache and you go through all these changes and stuff with editing. 

So heartbreak the wholeness. Eventually with almost a wife. I would love for it to be. An academy where we do conferences. I have amazing women like yourself come and speak and encourage other women and just enlighten them to the life that they can have that. We don't have to fit into these boxes that are literally suffocating us. 

And stifling the potential that we actually do have. And to be able to have different programs that are rolled out and writing books underneath that umbrella. So, I see it 1 day being much grander. 

Lillian: When you just said that, all I could see is your somatic intelligence, because that is it. It [00:11:00] is about the big picture. It is about the grander, but also I can see that you think in three dimensions, you have relational, as you said, I'd like to understand the relational and that's part of the higher intelligence of neurodivergence. Because our school systems program us out of thinking relationally, they program us to think in a ladder so that we can be efficient for them and just give back what they wanted us to give back nothing more. 

But those of us who are relational, we'll break that for a relationship. We will make sure we spend more time with the person because we see that they need something more. so we see the person and then we see the details and that's. Multi-dimensional thinking. That's profound giftedness. 

 I think that in our next era with AI, all of the people who used to be doctors and nurses, the ones who could memorize all these details about people they're going to be replaced by those who can actually feel people. The somatic will come up and be more valued because it will be about connection. 

If everybody has the information, if we all know it, then we [00:12:00] moved to a higher level of ability. And it's not just about knowing the information it's about using the information to see other people, to make them feel seen, to make them feel better, to heal them. And we have lost that. And you are here. Living the embodiment of finding it. 

 I also think what you offer people is this really beautiful space like this channel of receiving that I rarely see in other people. honestly, I'm going to take a lesson from you because. You have this way of just allowing space for people and it's easy and kind and warm it. makes a beautiful. how do you do that? 

Christian: I firmly believe that each thing that we all go through, um, not to take away from any traumas or anything, but it's not, it's not specifically for us. we've gone through it so that hopefully if we share it with other people, it can help them navigate through their life a little easier. 

So that's my, goal is that my heartbreaks [00:13:00] can help someone prevent those heartbreaks, or if they're already in them are still going to experience them. Hopefully. I can give you a roadmap that can make your recovery a little easier. 

Lillian: That's perfect. That's exactly what I think we're all seeking. I think we've just come out of an era where we were not able to be ourselves. And now we're seeking to find ourselves because , we have to do that in order to navigate the change coming. We have to do that. in order for us to really truly heal. 

For me, I go to the doctor and I'm such an outlier that constantly I am. Fronted because the doctor will not hear or see me. The thing I'm constantly looking for is just to be heard just to be recognized and allowed to be in the space I am. This is what you give. This is the most beautiful thing you give. this is why people will seek out, you over going to a doctor because you will have AI and you'll be able to find all of that information the doctor has. But you also have that somatic intelligence where you're noticing the patterns. You're noticing that person's feeling you noticing [00:14:00] that there's something more that they need to talk about, that they need to go into. And that's the difference between being seen and healed versus just going to the doctor to be treated. . 

Christian: I love that that happened with us. Cause like we said, it was, it just was like an immediate mind. And I'm like, oh, okay, cool. No friend. And then, um, but it happens. Like I'm that person that. Which this shouldn't happen, but people are wandering around lost and they'll be like, how can I get to this other place? 

And they ask me for directions. And I'm like, I can be here to support you and help you not feel so afraid because you're lost. But the directions part, I'm also directionally challenged. So we'll find it together. 

Lillian: Oh, that is so interesting. I don't see you as directionally challenged. I actually see moving through the world is somatically directionally oriented because you are doing the creative path. You're creating your own things, so that need to know everything and learn everything and get involved in everything that. it is The creative intellectual normal path is to try [00:15:00] everything and then create something that combines it all together. Because we are actually in a system that has chosen to separate everything, silo, silo, silo, and now we're moving back to making it more whole. 

We all have forgotten that we can find our own way using our big picture, our higher sensing, and taking the patterns in and placing one step in front of the other. This is exactly what I'm doing in this whole journey is knowing that I can see these big picture patterns at a societal level. 

It's this. Union of our full intelligence and that enables us to discern and see, and. Navigate others. it is beautiful. it's unfortunate because we don't recognize it as a talent and the most wonderful people I know have this talent in incredible amounts. 

Christian: It's so funny when people ask me like, what, what category? Even when I'm like, Talking to legal people and trying to do like my DBA and , it's not, I'm like, it's life coaching for lack of a better term. But it's so much bigger than [00:16:00] that. 

Like you said, I don't want to dissolve the healthcare provider portion of it. I want it to evolve and become bigger and be able to encompass more. And yeah, everything you said is like, yes, that's it. Like I, it needs to be bigger, but the words don't exist right now. Practice that. Needs to exist, and that I am created to do, I believe, 

Lillian: Exactly everybody. Doesn't understand that we have gotten so far down into the depth of silos that we actually now have to turn around and go back in order for us to heal. There's no vocabulary for the whole despite there being so much vocabulary. none of it is about holistic understanding or knowledge of self or knowledge of your entire being. We've lost all of that. It is out there , but it's still not whole, it's separated somatic or cognitive. 

 those of us like, yourself who are creatives, we have to create something new that marries it together because until we're whole , we're not going to be able to use our full intelligence to navigate this. 

But the sensitivity part is what drives it. And [00:17:00] you have this beautiful sensitivity. Not only have you. Used it, but you've already gotten into your own version of it. And it's so fascinating to meet other people who have also gone on this journey and gotten there and you created what you needed and now you're going to give it back to others. And that's exactly what. Natural healers. Do what sensitivity driven. Healers do. . 

I hope everybody listening can hear how amazing it is because you offer something that will most certainly heal in a way others don't because you can't just heal the body. You have to heal the whole, you have to heal the body and the mind you have to make sure that the whole existence of you is. Is tracking with that and keeping you where you need to be. 

Christian: Exactly, exactly. I'm like, that little piece that you're trying to make me fit into is one piece of my puzzle for my whole life. I'm not going to call it a box. I don't like boxes. So triangles and other things. [00:18:00] Yeah. 

Lillian: you. know that you don't like the box, you're already on your journey. What do you, see? as somebody who's already going down this path, when so many are absolutely blind to it. What's the future vision for you? 

Christian: what I would love to see is more. More holistic providers, and I say that not only in the way that they provide care for their patients, but also the way that they see themselves and they're able to take care of themselves because the whole saying it sounds cliche. 

You can't pour from an empty cup. And that's the most basic way that I can kind of get that out there that. So, many physicians or practitioners, nurses, housekeepers, everybody is burnt out. The suicide rate continues to increase because the medical field is failing right now and. We are put in, put under these constraints as far as time, as [00:19:00] far as testing that we can order all because there are people sitting in offices with checklists telling us that human beings do not fit on this checklist, so we need to start over or we need to do something else. 

And we can't order that because they're not going to pay for it. And we're like, we're actually looking at these again, human beings. These are not cars. These are not things that are on assembly lines. And we know what needs to be done. And even if we say it's our gut instinct, again, like we just talked about, like that means. 

 a lot of times that saves just as many, if not more lives than everything else that we learned didactically. So, if we continue the way that we are. Yeah, pharmaceutical companies are already shutting down because the prices that they are. Charging and the medications that they're continuing to produce so that they make more money. Are not feasible for the patients that actually need them. 

If we can't [00:20:00] continue to advance medicine, even with all these, clinical trials and all the amazing things that we continue to discover, there's just, if it's going to be money based, then it's going to fail. So, I would love to see a transition to, 

and there's not quite a word, because it's more than just outcome based, helping people to excel and blossom, getting to the root of what's actually causing their issues. So, chronic illnesses. The majority of them can be prevented if we can meet people in the beginning, meet them in their communities, if we can provide more access to healthy foods, to clean water, to things that are basic necessities that people in the United States of America do not have access to. 

 If we could do that, if we could change mind frames and help people to realize [00:21:00] that just because you think this way, and just because you've seen it this way, you've seen that pattern in your family doesn't mean it has to be that way for you. And another part of where I come in and so many different communities is I am an African American female and I am in 

a leadership role, so when I walk into a room and I have a smile on my face, a lot of barriers, thankfully, automatically drop. And I love being able to provide that to people. I've heard from way too many people that I was either their first young, first female, first minority provider. And just seeing that. 

Was like, wow, I can do like a switch goes off and it's like, and I can see their inner child also being like, not only do I feel safe with you in this, but I also and now encourage that I can do that thing that I thought I couldn't do because of the way I look or because of where I came from. 

Lillian: Oh, my gosh, I love [00:22:00] this. You are the walking cure for imposter syndrome because not only have you figured out what imposter syndrome is in yourself, but you have actually figured out how to use the gift of imposter syndrome to help others, because this is, this is something that I'm constantly talking with people about. 

A lot of people have imposter syndrome, especially in the most sensitive. And what it is is that we are feeling all the patterns in the past that this has happened to us. So were overwhelmed with those. Spirals of emotion. That's like every single time we've been told that we couldn't do something, we weren't going to achieve it. 

We weren't worthy. And this is very common for very sensitive people for. Everyone who is not the ideal person according to society. And when you move through that, when you actually heal from it, you then start realizing that you aren't always feeling yourself. You're actually feeling other people's insecurity, other people's 

imposter syndrome. 

And then you can know and check that it's not yours, but that it's the other person's. And then you do what you do mask. Which is you relax [00:23:00] and you give them space and you project to them that you care that you don't see that. And they are allowed to be comfortable. And that's such a gift and that is such a gift that you give particularly. 

And I cannot say enough about how brilliant you are at your patterns that not only did you identify this, but then you add. You could flip it around. And give that gift to others. 

It also helps me understand why he became a nurse practitioner because you're the person who sees relationships and the value of them and how healing requires relationships. And most doctors are so focused on knowing that they don't see the value of knowing that person may be individually as well. They're more interested in the volume of data that they can get so that they can grow their knowing. 

Whereas, you know, the volume of data is actually in that person on all these nuance levels is not just hard, cold facts. That is so multi-dimensional, I can't, I can't say enough about how brilliant that is and how we are going to be able to move back to that now and how you will be a leader in this because , that's holistic intelligence. 

[00:24:00] That's where somatic and cognitive coming together to understand and create what's new that is needed. And that's what helps us navigate the world when our paths disappear and changes. So great. 

\ 

Christian: . And that's the goal is to get people to like, okay, I know you've heard this. A million times maybe, but I just need you to hear me one time and help stay encouraged so that you can do that thing that you were created to do. 

There are illnesses that need prescriptions, but a lot of them, like I said, if you can just get to the root of it and , But that switch in the brain is , okay, I can make vegetables taste good. 

I can go for a walk every day. , it's simple stuff. , there was one thing that you said that really excited me. I'm big on, , the current term is like collaborative care, which that means also collaborating with other disciplines. 

But again, I feel like that should just be natural. That's just relational. If I [00:25:00] have someone who does, . Something I don't do for a living. I should naturally want to ask them questions about that particular situation. If I have a patient that's experiencing that, but collaborating even amongst my patients and clients being like. 

This is a team effort, , it's never going to be me just pouring things or pointing things out to you. It's about guidance. And it's about me helping to get you to the point where you recognize it yourself and then we talk about. So , now that we have this information, like you said, or now that we have this data, how do you see this? Impacting your life and how would you like it to impact your life and let's grow from there. then we'll just keep going different steps. 

Lillian: yes, we're moving back to collaboration. and it's, great because everybody had controlled by holding onto the data. so he who has the data or she who has the data, has the power. Standing on this precipice where [00:26:00] we can go one way or the other with AI. Where we can finally figure a way out of this maze that we have built with . The wrong information or information that's only half truths and it's all just about our cognitive. And we're stuck in this maze trying to use the cognitive, which is knowing before you get it how do you navigate, but we actually have all the sensing data we could be using , to go through the maze and learn it. And yes, we're going to get lost. But our sensing data, if we can find it will help us remember what we've already been through and make it successfully through that maze. because we don't have our sensing data because we don't have her somatic intelligence because we're not using them to create a new path. And just blaze through all the walls with something we just built while we're in the maze. we're lost, and we. can get lost to the point where it kills us. 

Christian: It's so funny when you were talking about the maze, , I see things in pictures. I think we talked about that too. And I'm just like, yeah, just thinking about, um, oppression. And it's like, yeah, we're, society , sitting all these people in the middle of this [00:27:00] maze, and there are people that are literally in skyscrapers looking down, saying well, the exits over there. 

I don't understand why you just won't get out. 

Lillian: Oh my gosh, you're right. Oh, I don't understand why you can't get out. You're not working hard enough. You just need to try harder. This is so the same narrative right now with. Why isn't everybody trying to fix the system when the system's totally set up. So you can't fix it. they know fully that we can't actually see enough to fix it. 

Christian: it's just so easy. I don't understand why you're, yeah, why you're struggling, why you've been in there for 30 years, why your family's been in this for generations. And I'm like, Nice. 

Lillian: That generational thing is real , definitely we can see now that everybody who has had that leg up has pretty much always had that, like up. 

We could be like, Hey, let's mutually work together and get through this. but we're completely set up to fight and work against each other. those of us who are relational thinkers, we have to be [00:28:00] oppressed in order for us to not sway everyone else to be like us. 

How much more relational can I get then starting a podcast that says, Hey, this is my maze. These are the pitfalls. And come on to my podcast and tell me what your maze is like. That's exactly what we do as relational thinkers. 

Christian: Yeah, we're throwing ropes or throwing lines. if we can't figure out how to get out of this maze, at least maybe we can go through the bushes. And we can all come together and maybe we can just knock this whole thing down. We don't even need to figure out how to get out. \ 

Lillian: everybody just got dropped a bunch of walkie-talkies and we're like, what does it look like? on your end? Where are you at? it is almost like we're using walkie talkies to figure out a way to survive what's coming. And I think that lockdown might be sooner than we think, we're going to be disappeared. We're just going to be gone. Cause it's the only way to survive that.. 

Christian: That's where my wheels were turning. I'm like, hmm, right. Physically, and [00:29:00] emotionally, all that. Yeah, it's just doing that, getting that start. So yeah, I think we will definitely. We'll have some more meetings and we'll get some more wheels turned in. So like that way we can develop the verbiage to get this officially done. 

Lillian: Developing the verbiage is now a real thing. I identified a new cognition and labeled it and defined it because I know that. I have it and other people have it, but I have , extreme clarity around it. So I wrote research papers that showed how it works and I put it into the system and it shows up and, it's fascinating that we can do that. 

But that is actually. The power of AI is that it is pulling from the collective. So while it will give you references and things, you can actually put your information in there and reference it. 

Christian: Right. It is very, very cool. Very fascinating. I'm excited to see where it goes. And I think, yes, like anything else, like for those who are intimidated by it, I'm always like, well, then that means you need to learn about it. If it scares you, that means you don't know enough about it. 

Lillian: learn is a good [00:30:00] point to make because so many. Things that were taught in our school systems that actually work against how our emotions should. And one of those things is just what you said. It's the fear of not knowing. We shouldn't have fear, about , not knowing we actually should have curiosity, but. We've been conditioned to believe that not knowing is bad and knowing is good, but truly who actually knows everything in the world. 

 The idea that we have right. And wrong answers is a misnomer. The making the world 2d is a misnomer. Truly there's no thinking just right answers. It's the answer is applicable to the situation, which is constantly changing as is all the other variables. 

So we can't really know the correct answer. It's why medicine is a practice. So we should be using our emotions and understanding that they are a practice. That our emotions are giving us context, and we have to understand that. Just because we don't know, it doesn't mean we're wrong or nor should we have a fear about not knowing what we ought to do is use the emotion to find what we need to know to [00:31:00] make the next action. 

Christian: , that's extremely important, , if you shut them off eventually, Even if you think you've controlled them or , you don't think your emotions rule you, they have this funny way of making other things happen in your body physically, that will make you have to pay attention to them. Yeah. So the sooner you can get used to doing it, the better it is for your overall health. 

 I see a lot with men, so I think it's getting better and it's so funny. I'm called to work with women, but a lot of my patients who I have the most intimate or emotional conversations with on the medical side, they're men and I always laugh because I'm like, whoever came up with this idea that women talk more than men. Y'all haven't met my patients. 

Lillian: It's you. though. It's not others. Can't get that out of men. Can't get that out of people who are uncomfortable. It's your somatic intelligence that gives them the space. that makes them feel comfortable. 

Christian: Yeah, which I love it. I'm like, you know, I know that you have to be this big tough guy when you're on [00:32:00] the rest of the world. So if I can give you. 15, 20 minutes to let all this out. 

But, um, with that, you said them being that big, tough guy and showing no emotion for all those years. And then I see you after you've had this massive heart attack and now all you do is cry. And I'm like, that's not a coincidence. Yeah, 

Lillian: Yeah. It's time to release. 

Christian: and now you got to catch up all those tears that you held back for all that time. 

Lillian: Oh, I have an example for this. . One, I see that out there. I see. The pain, in men's shoulders and their back, they're holding in so much, trying to protect themselves, trying to hold back their anger, maybe keep it in. But I see this all the time . I feel other people's body pain or their tightness in their bodies. 

Christian: Exactly. Yeah, like all the non social cues and yeah. Body mannerisms and just the, the tone of the voice or [00:33:00] inflection and like, yeah, like, man, you really need need a safe space. 

Lillian: Yeah, . We don't have safe spaces. I didn't have a safe space growing up. I don't see many people having safe spaces. They're constantly. Being bombarded with feedback and criticism and what they need to do, to fix themselves. But I'm not really a fixer person. I'm of the belief that we figure out what we already are and just try to figure out how to make that work best for us. 

Christian: Gosh, that's really, 

Lillian: that's also why I work with people who are ready to make the break from it and figure out how they are supposed to work. Because I think my sensitivity prevents fixing or allowing you to stay in pain. I can't do that. I have to help you walk out. That's the only thing I can do. 

Christian: I love that you're on the, that side of the spectrum. And then I am at the. 

 Meeting people essentially at their lowest point where like, okay, I'm done. [00:34:00] Like, I've tried all the things that I thought I knew how to try and I give up. And I'm like, okay, this is where we kind of need to be to build. We build from you. 

Lillian: So is this why, you wrote your book? Can you tell me, about your book? Almost a wife, because I do want to understand that, I want you to tell me what parts you want to come out because. You wrote this book, it's very touching. It's beautiful. The title just alone makes me want to cry. 

Christian: Depending on who I'm talking to, we go into things a little more in depth or not. Um, so the title, the whole book, is actually My Love Story , between me and God, but of course the title almost the life I have been engaged a few times. , and , me getting to my breaking point in relationships, romantic relationships. 

So literally on my floor in tears, having that moment where I'm like, I cannot do this anymore. The way I'm doing it is not working. So, taking the time off from dating on purpose for. [00:35:00] Over two years now and getting back into therapy, doing all the hard work, , therapy again. So I don't believe that therapy is a one and done thing. 

, I believe that's therapy is like dating. You have to find the one that's the right fit for you and the right fit for your season too. 'cause I've had different therapists and different seasons and they worked for what I was growing through. At the time, 

Lillian: That makes sense. I think that your therapist needs to just be one step ahead of you. So you need somebody who has unique profile of intelligence. That's gone down your path or is just basically one step ahead of you. And that's hard to find the smarter you get. 

Christian: Yeah. , A, , what is that objective view? Like, they're not they're not in it. So I'm like, Oh, okay. 

Thanks. I didn't see that. So like the maze again, they're on the other side of the maze. And they're like, okay, well, over here, this is what I see. Didn't realize that. Okay. I've already been here before. Okay. So turn left. Got it. Okay. 

 And that's kind of where my thing is just like any [00:36:00] person I meet, I'm like, Ooh, okay. Let's see, what can we do tell me what your thing is and how can we catapult you to the other side. 

, but back to the book, I kind of digressed a little bit. , I do touch on , do touch on , like that heartache, how we were just a few months out from, , the wedding when things got canceled and all that. But it was funny that wasn't the relationship that got me to my breaking point. It was actually. 

A relationship that wasn't even a full blown relationship. It was looking at this person's resume, essentially seeing what they look like on paper compared to what I look like. And I was like, oh, okay, this should compute. This should be perfect. And it was not. It was a mess. And I had a friend that was like, I think, you know, I think you should just take some time off because you're a really great woman. And you're going to be an amazing wife. You're called to be a wife, but. I just think , there's something that keeps happening here. So you need to get to the bottom of it. So it's great to have people in your corner that can point out those things too. That's like, okay, [00:37:00] we keep seeing this and I'm really not so much tired, but yeah, I'm, I don't want to keep seeing you sad and keep seeing you heartbroken when you deserve better. 

So that's where that started. And then I dug deeper into my patterns with. My relationship with money and how it's like I keep getting these jobs and yes, you can always make more money, but you shouldn't have to keep going and making more money because you keep putting yourself into debt. So I'm like, what's going on here? 

Let me fix that. And then with career wise and jumping around and I'm like, okay, some of it is the system that we're in right now, but some of it I'm like, what part of this is me? And that I'm being drawn to like, what's making me pick certain things and what's making me feel like I can't stay in 1 place of employment. 

So, and then the last thing, and the biggest thing was , my faith journey and. My health journey, too. So I guess they were the four components of bank, health, finances, [00:38:00] slash career, and relationships, so yeah, 

Lillian: That's beautiful. When you said about stepping back and looking at yourself, figuring out your patterns. We used to have a space for those, sabbaticals, they called them. And you could step back and look at the big picture, and the small, but now it's only small. picture. And I think that. That can put you further into a despair or spiral because you're trying to fix something with the wrong tools or the wrong perspective. And we do, really need to step back and so you basically took a sabbatical. And. It worked. 

Christian: Why aren't you guys here? It's so great over here. I promise. Come on. 

Lillian: Yeah, why isn't everybody over here? . Let them know that's the wrong focus that actually they've got us all trying to fix ourselves and look inside and change that because then we're not changing the world because that's actually our [00:39:00] role. 

Christian: Right? Yeah. Goodness gracious. It's challenging. 

Lillian: So, how did you know to do that? 

Christian: I think it was just divine. And I'm a huge person. I've always been drawn to. Learning different things and more like similar to you way more than what can be taught in a classroom. So, I listened to a lot of people's journeys and thankfully I picked up on their patterns. Kind of, like, what I'm trying to do now, and I was like, oh, okay, well, they did this and that did not work out. 

Well, so I probably should not do that. And this is where I'm heading in this situation. So, let me see how I can reroute. , tons of different. Different podcasts and interviews, and then reading and then applying. , once we learn something, we can't just be like, oh, okay, that's really. 

Good to know. It's like, how are you going [00:40:00] to implement that? That was so great. Thank you for sharing. yeah, applying that and making, writing down different steps on how I'm going to apply it. And then once I saw , oh wow, this really works and I really feel great. Not just happy, which happiness is temporary. 

It's an important emotion, but it's temporary. So okay. This is Joy, this is peace. This is something that's long standing. Even when the circumstances around me are changing, I can still stay in equilibrium for the most part when everything else is in flames or, , the earthquakes are going on. 

So definitely, , yeah, doing that. Reading the Bible, it's the oldest book and , it's really fascinating when people share that. , when people say that they think it's boring, I'm like, oh, you've never opened it because it's a lot of drama in there. there's tons of. Advice in there, and I'm like, okay, so if I actually take these things [00:41:00] again, from these people that lived thousands of years ago, or even people who were born, you know, 10, 15, 20, 30 years before me, , they probably know a little more than I do. They've been here a little bit longer than I've been here. 

So maybe I should just give it a shot. And. And looking at my family and, , the young ladies that I feel like I am responsible for being a positive example for. And I want to say, , let them in, but they're their own people and they're going to have their own journey. But I don't want them to fall into this because they thought that it was the way that it had to be, or because they thought that, this was the way that I did it. So I'm like, if I can show them a different way, it's their choice as to whether or not they'll take it, but I have to break this chain, , for my family as well, because I'm like, something Yeah, it's got to be better. So I started on that journey looking for, looking for better. So [00:42:00] 

Lillian: when you started on that journey looking for better, did you keep it from anyone like your family? or were you in a place that you were able to grow and they were. Accepting of that. 

Christian: For the most part. So I did have to, um, I'm very close to my parents and like my siblings, but a lot of that journey, even though. You have your core people, and they're with you, they kind of have to be at a distance when you're in that, the thick of the journey. So it has to be like, you can't ask them for their feedback. You can't. because their intentions are good, but any good parent, I know you're a great mother. You don't want to see , your children hurting. 

So, when they are in the thick of it, and you're seeing the tears and you're seeing. We're hearing about, um, the sleepless nights and just all the things that will break your heart as a mother. You want to be like, well, let me just scoop in and rescue you. And you don't have to do that. Just come on home and just we'll chalk it up. 

You don't [00:43:00] have to do this but you do have to do so. And you got to do it alone because. 

Lillian: That was really interesting , your parents are very sweet and they have loved you and taken care of you. I didn't get parents like you, and as a result, I let my children and flounder a little bit more because we have no path in this world. We have to flounder before we become adults and not after. So my children are allowed to come out of school early and go through college early, but also not do great, like not to do super well because we don't do well in the system. We have to create our own path. 

 Maybe I'm just doing what your parents did do, and I'm just doing it a lot younger because. I can't do anything else. I have seen this. Path go for generations for so long. I decided that my children's generation, I'm going to take a different way of going about it, but those of us who can fit in the system, if you. don't learn in childhood, then you have to learn in adulthood. And that [00:44:00] seems like what you're describing. 

Christian: So it worked in your favor, I'm sure it was difficult as you were growing . I love to see how they all can work together. , in other relationships, it gets to a point where I'm you're not doing stuff that you said you wanted to do, and I'm like, okay, let's help get you to where you want to be, but , if I want it more than you do, then , you don't really want it, so I'll just remove myself from the situation, but I commend you because I know that a lot of people in their search for, , for love, for purpose, for acceptance. that usually stems from their parents. , so many people stay close trying to earn that. And never become who they're meant to be. 

Lillian: Life. It's different for maybe those who are relational. I definitely had a baby young so that I could. Be loved because I didn't. [00:45:00] Have anybody loving me. And when I found out I was pregnant at 22, I was like, I'm having this baby. So it was. I didn't even like his father, but I was. Married to him I just knew that I had to do this. it was something that I needed to do. I was graduating from college right after he was born and it was going to work out. so I figured out how to make it work. And I did. 

It was what I needed because once I had somebody that loved me, I could find other people that love me. I actually think if you look at the story of Mary and Jesus, You could see that actually Mary was healed by being a mother. I have read the Bible. And it's funny when I read it, I have a very different interpretation than I think most other people do. But one of the things that I have seen in the Bible is the. The mother child bond that Mary has, like Mary was 11 or 12. When she had her baby, she was married off to a man that was in his thirties and he was much older than her. And she was taken to a strange place and she was forced to ride a donkey. While nine, 10 months pregnant and then have a [00:46:00] baby in a stable and put him in a manger. 

Those are all traumatizing things. And yet. She healed. , it may have been diminished how profound the mother, child bond is because. That is what healed me. Bonds with people are important. I think that's what you've done is you've given your four things that heal people, but you know that in order for them to really understand those four things, they need to be mirrored. It, they need to be seen. And. That is what you're saying is like I wrote this book so that you can understand my journey, but then you can , come to talk to me and finish the journey with me, or we can heal you and help you understand yourself because. Mirroring is really, really powerful. 

 What I found with my son was profound mirroring that I didn't get and being such an outlier. I really, really hadn't gotten it. when I had my son, it was like, oh wow, I'm supposed to be this way. 

Christian: Exactly. , and that's why it's, A short book also on purpose, because we're so busy for 1, [00:47:00] God said that I needed to stop and I needed to stop and I was like, it's going to be this little thing. But also people ask me to do an audio book and I thought about it, but that was another know that I got. So I was like, okay, but I'm like, yeah, we all need to just learn to sit down and take a 2nd, , for ourselves. And I'm like. It'll take you I've heard on average, like two hours. So you'd probably read it in like 30 minutes here. 

Lillian: I don't even know if I need to read it because there's so much that you. Resonate. Just the way you move through the world . I can already see your book. In my head. When I read your book. It will be to connect the dots. 

Christian: I'm like, it's on the way. I will mail you a copy 

 so 

Lillian: many people are waiting for other people to tell them to do it. you just knew that you needed to do this and then actually followed through and did it. 

Christian: It's okay if you have had multiple relationships, I have also, but it would be so nice if we could do [00:48:00] this ahead of time and get the right person the first time, like how amazing would that be? I think it's just relational, like friendships, like all partnerships, like if we were just more purposeful, more intentional with all relationships. 

Lillian: So, what is the one thing you tell people how to make a good connection or find that other person. in this doesn't need to be your forever romantic relationships, but how do you know when you're meeting anyone that you want to build a relationship with? 

Christian: I don't, I just feel it. And I'm like, this is a good connection. I like this. I can't even describe. It's more than a happy, fuzzy feeling because those butterflies are not always good. Especially , that romantic side. It's those warm, fuzzy feelings. They're not always good. 

Being attracted someone to someone is just one component of. The whole makeup or romantic relationships. So, it's important. , but if it's [00:49:00] just that physical attraction, , you gotta keep looking. But I know relationships have different levels, so I like that You said not necessarily for a lifetime, because we do have lots of relationships that are seasonal. 

, one of my favorite sayings, I think it came from a movie, but it was really good. And it was like, relationships are like trees. And , you have those people who are for life. They will go through you with everything. Those are your roots. And then you have the people that are with you for, , a decent amount of time, some of them can go through more things with you than others. 

And those are your branches. And then you have. leaves who they were just meant to be there for whatever season that you met them in. , but they're all important. 

Lillian: Oh, I really like this. This is true. This is a really great, metaphor. I think I'm gonna have to steal this from you. 

This is also I think, a perfect way to end this podcast. That metaphor is the perfect exit for this. podcast. So I'm going to say what a lovely time. I had and thank [00:50:00] you for. Coming on to my podcast. And I enjoyed it. You're such a beautiful person inside and out. 

Christian: Yeah, I love talking to you. So if you ever want to do this again, let me know. 

Lillian: we will definitely do this again. 

Christian Janae everyone. You can find her@christianjanae.com. That's ChristianJANEE.com. 

Lillian: She's the author of the book, almost a wife. She's a nurse practitioner. She's a polymath. She is a woman of many talents I feel very privileged that she came on and gave me this time to talk to her. So again, thank you, Christian. Thank you very much. 

Christian: You're very welcome. 

Lillian: . I hope this was valuable. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for listening. Take care. 

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